Christmas came early and delivered Queens’ Yo Kinky beneath the tree on the night of Monday, 21 November 2022. Bands Derek Johnson, Rainhouse, and Indoor Friends were local stocking stuffers.

Is it too early to dream about Santa Claus? Not for the Christmas-industrial complex. If you visit the Hallmark Channel online, prepare to be inundated with icons and iconography of the holiday. The once-upon-a-time purveyor of novelty cards and stationary has grown into a 3.9 billion dollar corporation. Greeting card sales have been super-augmented by an entire lifestyle brand, mocked up in red and green during the biggest holiday season of the year. Every Hallmark Channel vice president and middle manager knows it’s the time of year to “make your nut” or get the hell out of the Kris Kringle game.

The main attraction at the channel is the marathon of cookie-cutter programming building up to December 25th. Film after low-budget film slaps together rom-com conceits in a holiday setting. The standard plot contrives to pair an odd couple (“she’s a Big City Businesswoman, he’s a Small Town Innkeeper”), who get caught up in the magic of Christmas, forget their differences, and fall in love. It’s “happily ever after” all the time. If you want tragic endings, head over to Lifetime.

The films are budget, but the ad revenue they generate is first class. The Hallmark Channel has become so ruthlessly effective at milking the Christmas teat that other streaming media providers are getting in the game. Netflix scored a win with its knockoff Falling For Christmas, featuring an ultra-rare return to the spotlight for Lindsey Lohan, last seen somewhere in the Greek Islands. An avalanche of offerings from other networks is sure to follow, and we haven’t even cut into the Thanksgiving turkey yet.

It’s an embarrassment of riches for fans of the season, but is there a dark side to Yuletide? (Sure, why not?) The veil of constant cheer within the Hallmark Channel Extended Universe was briefly pulled aside when Candace Cameron Bure announced she was leaving Hallmark to form a rival network Great American Family.

Why was the former Full House child star leaving now after a successful run of 30 holiday films in 13 years – and seemingly many more on the horizon? According to an interview with the Wall Street Journal, the star commented that her new network Great American Family would focus on "traditional marriage" instead of portraying queer love stories. Candace Cameron Bure had had enough of the deviant lifestyles portrayed on Hallmark Channel, rolling around among the gingerbread cookies and mistletoe.

Let’s be clear though: the Hallmark Channel is no great champion to the gay community. In fact, there hadn’t been a single gay romance to roll off the Christmas rom-com assembly line at the network until The Holiday Sitter, airing this December. Culture critics and social media will have a laugh at Candace Cameron Bure as she follows her brother Kirk down the Christian Fundamentalist rabbit hole.

Our time might be better spent, though, reflecting on how and why she felt so comfortable at the Hallmark Channel for so long. Nobody takes their programming as anything more than escapist fluff, but where are we escaping to? And how did it come to pass that the commercial vision of the Christmas-industrial complex became so intertwined with cultural homogeneity and latent themes of intolerance? If you think The Holiday Sitter is a sign that the Hallmark Channel is turning the corner, have a look at their movie calendar. One swallow does not make a summer.

Having said all that: nobody is taking our Christmas schlock from us. Xmas 4eva! We can walk and chew bubblegum at the same time, just as we can enjoy a slew of Hallmark Channel Chum while remaining critical of the overall enterprise. If there’s a corporate Grinch calling the shots in the executive suite at the network, tell him to grow his heart three sizes and put out the welcome mat to Christmas for all. It’s time.

Derek Johnson

At around 8pm it was time for the first act at Midway Cafe to take the stage. Local Derek Johnson used to perform under the stage name Derek W. Curtis back when he lived in Nashville, Tennessee. It certainly must have helped distinguish the artist from his Google-dominant namesake Derek Johnson, the Christian country music artist. On Monday night our Worcester-bred Johnson performed folk-Americana with a three-piece, mixing covers and originals. He’s got a storytelling instinct, a Creedence Clearwater Revival vibe, and a sweet, clean sound coming off his Fender Stratocaster on the solos.

Rainhouse

Boston’s Rainhouse was playing their first ever gig as a full band. The four-piece consists of two guitars, a bass, and drums. They self-advertise as indie rock, post-punk, folk. You heard all of that on Monday night, plus a little psych exploration on the songs with a longer running time. There was even a dollop of “world music,” which is a terribly vague descriptor, but is used here to indicate an openness to percussive patterns that, on purpose or by accident, seemed to break out of the 4/4 time signature that most “indie rock” bands stick to like it was gospel (sung by the other Derek Johnson, not the Worcester-Derek Johnson).

Yo Kinky

Queens’ Yo Kinky performed as a two-piece, with Laura Wight on dedicated vocals and Tom Unish on electric guitar. The minimalist rig can present a challenge to any group trying to deliver a big sound. Yo Kinky skirted the issue a bit by incorporating healthy doses of pre-recorded backing track to thicken the stew. Their songwriting explores high-energy, post-punk territory. Shades of The Tings Tings and Yeah Yeah Yeahs. The pair seem to be still searching for their ideal live sound, but the band has already scored a win with their recorded material, landing their Christmas track “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” on the above-mentioned Lindsey Lohan vehicle Falling For Christmas. That’s right, the Christmas-industrial complex is closer than you think.

Indoor Friends

Closer Indoor Friends arrived with a five-person lineup that played a mix of covers and originals. The instrumentation included an electric ukelele. It was a real gift for the music fans among us who love the ukulele, but wish it had that blow-your-hair-dry, Marshall Stacks kind of power. The band has a new EP coming out on the second of December.

Speaking of which, Hump Day News’ Christmas Countdown Spectacular Coverage begins 12/1. We’ll be showcasing bizarre Hallmark Channel holiday rom-coms all through the month in the Film section, and maybe sprinkle in a few holiday jams with our Music coverage. Xmas 4eva!